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Funny Quotes - Funny Quotes Sayings

Funny quotes and funny jokes always change our mood and it makes us relax and happy. If you want to make someone happy and change his/her mood so, funny quotes always play a very important role at this moment. Now feel free to visit our website and get through us best collection of funny quotes, funny jokes and funny sms and send it to your dear one and make him/he happy and glad. Through us you will get only unique and top collection and we are sure it will make you happy and glad. Just stay in touch with us for best funny quotes. If you want Funny Quotes then you have to stop your search here. allbestmessages.co is all about Funny Quotes. Just read our new collection of Funny Quotes.

Funny Quotes



When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.



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Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.



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Just because you can't dance doesn't mean you shouldn't dance.



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Marriage is too interesting an experiment to be tried only once.



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Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!



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Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.



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Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.



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Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.



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If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?



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Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.



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It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.



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The planet is fine. The people are fucked.



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When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.



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If every day is a gift, then today I got socks.



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Too much agreement kills a chat.



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I'm the literary equivalent of a big mac and fries.



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I have an unfortunate personality.



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When nothing is going right, go left.



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All generalizations are false, including this one.



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Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.



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Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water After you get used to it it ain't so hot.



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A word to the wise ain't necessary it is the stupid ones who need all the advice.



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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.




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A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.




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Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.




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A failed businessman to his fat wife:
You are my only investment in life that has doubled




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Common sense is like deodorant, the people who need it most never use it.




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People say you cannot live without love. I think oxygen is more important.




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Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.




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We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.




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The world is divided into people who do things--and people who get the credit.




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There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.




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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did,
in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.





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Life's tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.




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A nickel isn't worth a dime anymore.




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Women are scientifically proven to be right even when they are wrong.




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As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.




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As I get older, I just prefer to knit.




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Be obscure clearly.



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Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.




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Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.




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There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.




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I know that you believe you understand what you think I said,
but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.




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I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.




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Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.




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It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.




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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.




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A hard man is good to find.




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A man in the house is worth two in the street.




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Dogs have Owners, Cats have Staff.




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I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my works.




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I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.




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A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.




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A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.




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Don't be so humble - you are not that great.




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Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.




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Punjabi kids get the first shock of their lives in their first history
lesson when they realize that BC actually means Before Christ:




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Sorry I'm allergic to bullshit.




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Boy: I can't merry with you. My family not permitting me.
Girl: Who's in your family?
Boy: My wife and children.




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