Funny Famous Quotes

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Funny Famous Quotes

Me sarcastic? Never.

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Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.

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When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

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Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

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On Mercury a day lasts 1,408 hours. Just like every Monday does on earth...

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Love is a lot like a backache: it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there

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The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list.

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I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

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A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

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A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.

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Peace begins with a smile.

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So many books, so little time.

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If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

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You can do anything, but not everything.

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The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

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If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

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I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds I hold them above globes They freak out and yell 'Whoa I'm way too high!'

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Marriage is too interesting an experiment to be tried only once.

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You can observe a lot by just watching.

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An open marriage is nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce.

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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

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A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.

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A word to the wise isn't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

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Women are absolutely equal; they just can't quite lift as much.

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A hotel mini-bar allows you to see into the future and what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.

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Koreans have recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack. It's called Not Poodle.

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I heard Angelina Jolie had a very difficult delivery with one of her children � she wasn't in and had to go to the sorting office to pick it up.

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I've never been to an Al-Qaeda Christmas party, but I have seen the invites. No music, no dancing, but we promise the fastest game of pass the parcel you've ever seen.

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Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

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A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.

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A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

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A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

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You can observe a lot by just watching.

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An open marriage is nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce.

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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

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A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.

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A word to the wise isn't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

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War does not determine who is right only who is left.

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Victory goes to the player who makes the next to last mistake.

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Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

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Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them.

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From there to here and here to there funny things are everywhere.

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Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.

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It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job it's a depression when you lose yours.

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I live at home with my parents.It's just temporary til they die.

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When they asked George Washington for his ID he just took out a quarter.

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Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.

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It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

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I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

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By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.

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A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

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A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.

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The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

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Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

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You can observe a lot by just watching.

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Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

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I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

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Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.

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Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

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I used so much hairspray that I feel personally responsible for global warming.

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I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

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i have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.

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I found a great way to attract money... work!

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

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If your legs open up faster than Google's homepage. You are not girlfriend material.

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We live in a world of smart phones and stupid people.

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I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, but not twice.

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