Funny Sayings

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Funny Sayings

My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry...

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If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet?

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Please cancel my subscription to your issues.

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Organized people are simply too lazy to search for stuff.

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I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

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Q: Why did the computer show up at work late? A: It had a hard drive.

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The only difference in my life when I'm on a diet is instead of saying, "I ate nachos," I say, "I accidentally ate nachos."

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My goal this weekend is to move... just enough so people don't think I'm dead.

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Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.

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It is important to make breaks between individual exercises. I personally stick to breaks of about 3-4 years.

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He who laughs last didn't get it.

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You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

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Sometimes I drink water - just to surprise my liver.

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Liar's legs are short, but well trained..

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I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am perfect.

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Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

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You don't notice the air, until someone spoils it.

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You should argue with your wife only when she's not around

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In God we trust; all others must pay cash.

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You're born free, then you're taxed to death.

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Admit it, you listen to other strangers conversations and mentally give your opinion.

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Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.

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Feel free to use anything, except my spouse & my toothbrush...I mean it about the toothbrush.

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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said �Are you going to help?' I said, �No, Six should be enough.

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Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

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Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.

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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

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Lawyers are men whom we hire to protect us from lawyers.

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Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

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The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

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It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

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Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.

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A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

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Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.

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The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men.

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Like its politicians and its war, society has the teenagers it deserves.

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A fine is a tax for doing wrong.A tax is a fine for doing well.

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He who laughs last thinks slowest.

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Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

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Always laugh when you can.It is cheapest medicine.

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Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life.

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The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

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you can't have everything....where would you put it?

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I don't know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a lot..

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Men, chocolate, and coffee are all better rich.

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A painter paints pictures on canvas. But musicians paint their pictures on silence.

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Life becomes useless and insipid when we have no longer either friends or enemies.

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In order to get the handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.

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I either Get what I want or I change my mind.

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I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

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Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

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It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others.

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There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.

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Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

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An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'

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Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage.

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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"Those not present are always incorrect."

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There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

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Why do we need Algebra? Finding X is only useful if you're a pirate.

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Teacher: why are you talking during my lesson? Student: why are you teaching during my conversation?

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Some people hate tomatoes but like ketchup?

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