Very Funny Quotes

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Very Funny Quotes

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

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If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

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The planet is fine. The people are crazy.

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life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you're drunk.

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The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

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The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well.

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Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

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I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

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No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.

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If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

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Some girls must get so exhausted putting makeup on two faces every morning.

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People say you cant live without love,but I think oxygen is more important.

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Dogs have masters.Cats have staff.

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If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

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I need help. I'm think in of check in into the Henry Ford clinic.

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I hope I didn't brain my damage

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I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

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There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there.

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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

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I am fed up. After 62 years in public office, I have had enough. I want to go. If if resign today there will be chaos.

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I'm too old to flirt with young chicks now..

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A lazy, feckless, flatulent, oaf with a moustache leaning against a fence asleep looking at a cactus with a blanket with a hole in the middle on as a coat.

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Men are like steel; both are worthless when they loose their temper.

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Brigands demand your money or your life, women require both.

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It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

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Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.

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Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet

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I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

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Always laugh when you can. It is cheapest medicine.

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Just because you were a good girl in the fifties doesn't mean Good girl.

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Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

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If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

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Please don't make me kill you.And your point is

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I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

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Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari
sometimes want a pickup truck and end up with a station wagon

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A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known
then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

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Brigands demand ur money or your life, women require both.

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It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

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I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

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By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.

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A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
Anybody can win, unless there happens 2 be a second entry.

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He who sleeps on the floor will not fall off the bed.

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I've been dating since I was fifteen! I'm exhausted. Where is he?

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Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug.

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I wanted to talk about how we had nothing to talk about.

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When you come to a fork in the road, take it!

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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

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Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

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When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

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Never give a sucker an even break.

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Adversity makes men, and prosperity makes monsters.

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Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them...

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I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

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Politics needs a sense of humor, throw a pie at a politician today.

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I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

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Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself - like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.

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Phones get thinner and smarter, and people?! We get fatter & stupid.

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Marriage is like a milkshake it's good at first then after awhile u start getting a headache.

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We live in a culture where pizza gets to your house before the police!!

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