Hilarious Short Quotes

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Hilarious Short Quotes

I'm not clumsy.it's just the floor hates me,the tables and chairs are bullies & the wall gets in the way.

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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

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A Doctor to patient: "You're very sick -- I like that in a patient."

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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving definitely isn't for you

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Someone should open up a restaurant called "I don't care". Then we can finally go to that restaurant my girlfriends always talking about."

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Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

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Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.

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If every day is a gift, then today I got socks.

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A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.

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The best way to lie is to tell the truth . . . carefully edited truth.

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A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

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Never steal. The government hates competition.

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You can't wash your eyes with soap.

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When nothing is going right, go left.

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Don't be so humbleyou are not that great.

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Growing old is mandatory growing up is optional.

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When everything's coming your way you're in the wrong lane.

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They say that love is more important than money but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?

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Age to a woman is like Kryptonite to Superman

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At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.

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Constipated people don't give a crap.

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There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

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The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

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I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

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Experience is the sinking feeling you have made this mistake before.

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I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

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If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you.

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Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.

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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

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I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe.

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The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on

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Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils

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If at first you don't succeed

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The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.

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Do what you like and like what you do.

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Growing old is mandatory' growing up is optional.

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A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

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There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.

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I can resist everything except temptation.

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Strike while ur employer has a big contract.

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Love is grand divorce is a hundred grand.

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Friendship is like peeing on yourself everyone can see it
but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

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Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

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A baby is an angel whose wings decrease while his legs increase.

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Hermits have no peer pressure.

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The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

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At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.

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It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

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Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

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I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

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Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

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If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?

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My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.

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Love is like pi: natural, irrational, and very important.

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Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

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Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.

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I thank God for bringing you my way for since i met you i know i am handsome..

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A politician is a man who stands for what he thinks the voters will fall for.

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I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe.

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I don't have you, and without you, it feels like what I have doesn't matter.

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Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears.

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A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one.

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