Short Funny Quotes

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Short Funny Quotes

I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried but they wanted cash.

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Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go �you know, I'm not as hungry as thought I was'?

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I'm an excellent housekeeper. Everytime i get a divorce, i keep the house.

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I finally found love... in Webster's dictionary, page 357 at the bottom right.

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My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.

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You can't wash your eyes with soap.

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Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.

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You're smiling right now because you're fooled.

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All generalizations are false, including this one.

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Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.

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Facebook is the only place where it's acceptable to talk to a wall.

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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did�in his sleep.Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

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Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

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I did not trip and fall.
I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning.

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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

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You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

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The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.

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Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

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Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

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Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

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I am at two with nature.

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Beware of the young doctor and the old barber

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All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

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Constipated People Don't Give A crap

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Trouble defies the law of gravity. It's easier to pick up than to drop.

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Nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded.

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Foolproof systems don't take into account the ingenuity of fools.

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Income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf.

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Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

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I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

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Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

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You hav a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

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He's so optimistic he'd buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants.

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Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

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Never have children, only grandchildren.

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Like many women my age, I am 28 years old.

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I never think of the future - it comes soon enough.

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Ninety percent of the game is half mental.

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A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

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I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.

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Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

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Faith: not wanting to know what is true.

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Cheese milk's leap toward immortality.

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The only thing good that can possibly be said about Monday is that it is only four days away from Friday.

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My Mothers MENU had only two items: 1: Eat it or 2: Leave it.

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If your legs open up faster than Google's homepage. You are not girlfriend material.

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